Blame Needs a Scapegoat. Accountability Needs a Mirror.

I was recently called out for “blaming men” for all the problems.

I did stop and take a beat. I went back and reviewed what I had said. And I maintain that responsibility and accountability are not the same as blame.

Here’s the context. I responded to a post about male loneliness and social isolation saying that men are responsible for building and upholding the systems and environments that perpetuate their loneliness, social isolation, and lack of support all while blaming women for their pain. (Before I get blasted with the “not all men” or “some women too,” I’ll remind you that men have massively disproportionate control over the systems and environments we live and work in, and that just a couple of months ago, the NYT seriously entertained a discussion about whether women ruined the workplace.)

Someone responded: “Women blame men for everything and accept accountability for nothing.”

So I’ll ask the question I asked then: What exactly are women supposed to be accountable for in this scenario? Not being sympathetic enough to the architects of their own isolation?

Here’s what I actually said, and what I’ll keep saying:

I didn’t say men were bad people who deserve to suffer (blame). I said they are experiencing the consequences from a system they built and that they have the agency and responsibility to change (accountability).

Those are not the same thing. And the inability (or unwillingness) to tell them apart is exactly the problem.

Blame looks for a person to punish. It asks Who did this? It assigns fault, ends the conversation, and makes an example out of someone (usually the person with the least power in the room). Blame assumes the worst about who you are. The goal isn’t to fix anything. The goal is to pass the buck and move on.

Accountability looks for a system to improve (or be replaced if necessary). It asks What happened? What do we do differently? Who has the power and responsibility to effect change? Accountability assumes the most about what you can do. The goal isn’t to question your character but to question choices and the willingness to make different ones.

Admittedly, blame is easier. It doesn’t require self-reflection. It doesn’t challenge anyone in power to change anything. It just needs a scapegoat, and there’s always one available.

Naming a pattern is not the same as blaming every individual within it.

Holding a system accountable is not the same as indicting every person who operates inside it.

If the only thing that changes after a failure is who got blamed, nothing actually changed.